As the discussion on MAID for mental health patients starts to pick up, a piece I wrote for and presented at the Doctors' Lounge annual storytelling event years ago- HP.
Our annual storytelling evening will hopefully be back March 2023: start your creative engines now
The voice arising from the computer console was robotic, but melodic.
“The doctor will see you now. Please proceed to room B-52. Thank you for choosing the Center for Robotic Assisted Psychiatry to meet your mental health needs.”
Joe Primum pushed his chair back from the computer, exhausted by the lengthy on-screen intake interview. Joe was already exhausted just by being alive. For Joe, everything was a major chore.
He did not need a computer to tell him he was depressed.
What he needed was a doctor to pull him out of his dilemma.
But, progress being progress, this was the procedure that the government had set up to help people such as him.
Joe seated himself in the room, and awaited salvation.
Soon, the door opened, and in walked a pleasant enough human.
“Hello, I am Dr. Golem. How can I help you? “
Joe sighed.
“Doc, I don’t have any family, but if I did, I would just be a burden to them. Instead I’m just a burden to the planet, wasting space and oxygen. Can you fix that? What did my computer analysis say?”
Dr Golem checked the computer screen.
“The report was quite clear. You are suffering from major depressive disorder. Unfortunately, the computer analysis also says that you have failed every on-label medication known to man for this condition, as well as failing ECT and TMS in the past. The government doesn’t allow us to go off-label anymore, since the introduction of National Pharmacare. So, all that is left are a few options. Have you considered psychotherapy?”
“My family doc talks to me. She’s young, she’s nice enough, but I don’t think she really understands what’s going on in my head,” replied Joe with a bitter edge. “What are you offering?
Dr. Golem began his pitch.
“We have a CBT program, but there is an 11.3 month waiting list for that. Unfortunately, the computer says that due to the deep shame from your history of sexual abuse as a child, you have a low chance of success with that.”
Joe countered.
“Can you offer me anything else that is appropriate for trauma survivors such as me?”
Dr Golem responded.
“Unfortunately, we only offer such services to women, and the wait list for that is 17.3 months. Would you consider transitioning?”
Joe sat in silence, and let his puzzled face look do the talking.
Dr. Golem continued.
“The computer says that if you enter the gender reassignment program, we can get you trauma counselling within 6.2 months. Offering cutting edge treatments such as this allows us to get funding as a centre of excellence.”
Joe started to get angry.
“That’s ridiculous. I’m not getting a sex change to get over what some pervert did to me decades ago. Is that all you’ve got?”
“Well,” said Golem, after checking the computer screen,” it says in your report that you stopped abusing drugs and alcohol 6 months ago. Would you consider restarting that?”
Joe rolled his eyes.
Dr. Golem didn’t miss a beat.
“We would only have a 5.7 month wait time to enter the psychotherapeutic arm of our concurrent disorders program, but you have to be actively abusing substances for at least 3 months to get in.”
“No f***ing way doc,” replied Joe. “Any other brilliant ideas?”
“Well, as a centre of excellence, we can offer you another leading edge service. It says in your report that you have had suicidal thoughts. Have you given those thoughts careful consideration?
“Yeah, that’s why I’m here. They kind of freak me out,” Joe said with a sense of shame and confusion.
“No,” Golem replied, I meant have you given careful consideration to the possibility of having us help you complete the act? The College of Physicians has made it mandatory to make sure that you are offered all therapeutic options, and this option is 100% effective in eliminating your problems. The outcome is remarkable when compared to medications, which only offer dismal remission rates. Plus, you would be helping us out with our upcoming hospital accreditation review. By exercising that option you will help us show our assessors how effective we can be in our treatment outcomes. Don’t you want to be helpful? Isn’t that the opposite of being a burden?”
Joe had heard enough.
“Are you nuts? I’ve got enough problems. I’m leaving! I don’t need this stupid crap!”
Dr. Golem pressed the green button on his desk. Security guards immediately entered the room.
Dr. Golem put on the most reassuring face he could muster.
“Your response of being overwhelmed by the prospect of a 100% cure rate is understandable. Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending how one sees it, I am obliged to certify you for admission to our Special Treatment Unit for Physician Induced Death. Under a form 1-1, you will be held there for 3 days to give you time to more thoroughly consider to the options that I have outlined for you.”
Joe gave it one last shot.
“Check your damn computer again. Does it have anything else to say?”
Golem replied: “Indeed it does. It says: thank you for seeking help at the Centre for Robotic Assisted Psychiatry, where excellence comes alive. At CRAP, excellence is what we do. Hope you have an excellent stay.”
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